Leading with Grace and Wisdom

Lately I’ve been observing (or on the receiving end of) communication that rubs me the wrong way.

Sometimes they are facebook interactions or the odd text message, perhaps a voice mail or email. Regardless of medium, the communications are not usually about stuff that is super important. After all, how often are we having Very Important Talks with the people in our lives, our businesses or on our social feeds?

It’s much more common to engage with people about minor issues in a casual way through a variety of mediums.

And yet, here I am over here, getting a bit rankled by what I’m observing and/or experiencing.

Shortness of temper, inconsiderate assumptions, just plain old criticism- often couched in the form of “feedback,” discussion, or trying to give someone another point of view.

As I’ve experienced it, I’ve felt icky. And any time I feel that kind of ish, it’s an opportunity for me to look at what I’m bringing to a situation- what are my assumptions here? What in me is reacting to THAT over there? What can I learn about myself and my own biases, shortcomings, weaknesses, edges?

That’s a great tack to follow in general, but in this case I think what is bothering me is that people are not often communicating with grace and wisdom.

For several years, my hubs worked with a coaching group called Handel and one of their tenets (that he has passed on to me) is that communication should be delivered with both grace and wisdom.

Grace and Wisdom.

Those are common words but I think it’s worth it to unpack them a bit to get closer to what we can learn and how it can impact our communications and therefore our relationships and experience of life.

Grace is an interesting word. It’s a frequent flyer in religious spheres and usually denotes divine favor that is unearned. In this context, I think the concept of grace meaning “disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency” is more relevant, and can be coupled with the concept of the kindness extended being unearned.

In terms of our communications with others, then, graceful communication would indicate that we speak- or type- with kindness and courtesy, even if it’s undeserved.

I like that! I also want to add that grace requires a degree of empathy. Of at least attempting to “walk a mile in another’s shoes.” Without the empathy, then even kind communication could still be very self-centered.

As for wisdom, well, that seems like it’d be obvious but it too is a word that merits deeper exploration.

The dictionary says that it’s “the ability to discern inner qualities and relationships” or “good sense, e.g. judgment.”

To me wisdom in communication encompasses accurately judging the timing as well as delivery method, tone and word choice along with an ability to anticipate the inner impact of all of the above. In a word: wise.

I find that many people cloak rudeness or abruptness of manner in the garb of “I’m just direct!”

Really what they are saying is that they lack both grace (to extend kindness where it’s unearned) and wisdom (to know when, how and where) to deliver certain messages.

Another thing: I often want to communicate without either grace or wisdom. When that’s the case, I wait it out and check back to see if I can muster up the ability to create a message that incorporates both. If not, then I just say nothing.

What is your experience communicating with grace and wisdom? What is your experience of being on the receiving end of comms that lacked one or both?