Part Two on Barriers to Your Ideal Life: Fatigue and Burnout
The whole Ideal Life exercise is a common one in coaching circles and remains part of my work with clients to this day; however, I do think that we don't spend enough time solidifying why that's your ideal life and then how to bring small elements of it into your daily round right now.
It's a lot easier/splashier to make progress on the bigger things (new house! new relationship! new business!) and forget that our days are built of moments. The minutes count.
This is on my mind because we are in a geographical place that is not ideal for any of us in the family. The winters are long and damp. The culture is maybe not our vibe. The talent drain due to economic instability is real. (Don't get me wrong this is a truly great world city and we are super duper thankful for affordable and comprehensive health care- seriously it takes such a huge burden off us and it is how things should be everywhere.) But I'm also trying to make a life here for whatever time we spend in Argentina. So,
How does one live elements of an ideal life when circumstances are maybe not so ideal?
In my own life I'm starting by looking at all the ways my mind plays tricks on me.
My overall list (tho I'm sure I'll add to it over time) of the perspectives that rob us of our ideal lives in the here and now includes:
All or nothing thinking
Misperception of cost (time/money)
Fatigue and burnout
It's not for me (worthiness)
Mess/space constraints
Outcome oriented
Perceived payoff doesn't outweigh the perceived effort to begin
Delayed until...
Other people's dreams
Woundings/trauma
Unclear values
a few days ago I wrote about the first two on my list and you can read that here.
Now on to the next: Fatigue and Burnout
This is a biggie and I have SO MANY THOUGHTS but will try to stay on topic and leave my bigger philosophies on healing/chronic illness for another time. Still, I suspect fatigue and burnout are a major reason that some of you aren't living your ideal lives because they can be a very real barrier to doing the dreamy stuff.
Fatigue and burnout tend to arrive at the backend of chronic stress patterns and/or trauma that have played out for years and generally but not always are related to dysfunction of the central nervous system (aka limbic impairment).
Further, fatigue and burnout create cycles of physical and emotional symptoms (that are very real) that then make it harder to take steps towards living one's ideal life.
It's a super vicious cycle and one I think women are more prone to experience because of what's happening in our world regarding caretaking. Btw, the fatigue/burnout experience can be caused by chronic illness and/or can create chronic illness. Lucky us!
As someone caretaking both myself and others with chronic illness, I believe that fatigue/burnout is the pathway TO your ideal life (whether or not any chronic conditions get healed along the way) while it is simultaneously a barrier keeping you FROM your ideal life. How's that for polarity?
When I was in the depths of disordered eating in my teens I thought that I needed to heal myself before I could truly live. So I focused on truly living and then healing was a by-product.
For the past seven years navigating my daughter's illness, I have many times believed that I cannot truly live my ideal life until she gets better because the physical and emotional toll on me have been so great. Somedays I have zero energy except to cry and ruminate.
Only recently have I been able to embrace a different perspective: that ignoring my own desires and dreams until such a time when she is sufficiently better only hurts me. And it certainly can't help her.
So I've started living again with little itty bitty steps. Now, I will say I have had days in recent years when all I could do was walk to the dog and sleep or watch TV. Forget the painting/gardening/sewing of my ideal life or industrious paid work for that matter. Forget grand dreams of masterpieces and growing my business and writing books.
The fatigue and burnout often bring us to our knees (especially if you've been a doer and that's part of your identity) and it's ok to put your ideal life on hold while you experience the totality of it.
Isn't that what the fatigue is asking for? To be allowed to take over. To be allowed to help you rest. To be acknowledge and even welcomed. And it's ok to set aside the ideal and the dreams while we do the very bare minimum.
(It is of course a huge privilege to be able to rest. If you are a primary breadwinner/caregiver experiencing fatigue/burnout and rest seems impossible, please reach out to me. You have a different set of challenges and I'd love to offer you a listening ear and/or some gratis coaching. Just reply to this email if that applies to you and I'll get you booked :))
And then there will come a day when you're just tired of being tired. Tired of not living the life you want and a small tiny impulse will be like a pilot light- ready and waiting for the match. Don't $hit on the tiny impulses! In a world that glorifies big leaps, we overlook the tiny impulses that are the essential ingredient of any shift.
I didn't believe the day would ever come when I felt ready to go beyond what was available to me given the constraints of my daughter's condition. But it did happen- and it only took 7.5 years!
Don't get me wrong, I'm still tired. I definitely need to work to help my family on the money front. And I'm sure I will have days with more sleeping/TV than working/creating or ideal life-ing until I'm feeling significantly better.
As for my kiddo and her debilitating illness? I may ever so slowly be moving towards acceptance.
Right at this moment we are not experiencing the circumstances I thought I would need to live an ideal life. Instead we are still in a phase of financial hardship, my daughter has gotten worse over the past few months, I'm still very burned out and we're in a country that I don't perceive as ideal. And yet.
Those external conditions have clarified my vision for my life, my values, and my own internal barriers to living a joyful, abundant and fulfilled life no matter what.
If you are in your burnout/fatigue era, I see you. You're doing great. Celebrate your impulses and trust that the fatigue/burnout IS the path. I'm here for you.