Part One: What is keeping you from living your ideal life?
This essay is the first in a series. I’ll be linking to each part as I post them.
Last year I finally figured out that the through line in my work is asking the question, "How do we really want to live?"
It only took some 18 years to get there but it's easy now to see how all the things I like to create fit under that umbrella.
interestingly it's also the question I have had the most difficulty in answering in my own life. and the challenge for me is not one of clarity. I think I'm pretty darn clear (and have been for decades) on the life I want to lead daily. It should include painting! gardening! meditation! writing! movement! What's been more challenging is backing up my desires with consistent and purposeful actions.
If you were to look in my collection of journals over the past three and a half decades (yes, I have my journals from age 8), the themes are the same: longing to do more creative work like writing and painting and sewing and gardening. They also include plans for my client work and my own business (to make money). Countless creative product ideas, characters for books, the odd clothing design sketch. And many years ago a whole lotta nonsense about weight/fitness. thank goddess that era is over. My journals are sometimes embarrassing to re-read because of their obsessive musings and they're also really fascinating and, well, sad.
Sad because I had so much energy, so much life force and frequently gave it to activities and thought processes and people and clients that weren't necessarily in alignment with the life I desired for myself. My husband and I had a conversation about this recently when he asked what I did with all the money I made during my consulting years. It was a legit question. I could have traveled the world for several years or bought a house or studied painting in Florence- any number of other experiences. Instead I burned it up staying on the treadmill of new business development and a highflying (expensive) lifestyle so that I could maybe get more corporate clients.
I don't regret those years or those choices as much as I consider them part of my expensive education* in both business and life. I've had a rich and varied career, an adventurous life and I've also experienced first hand how easy it is to get off track and let conditioning, inertia, fear, and other outside forces (illness, caretaking, world events) derail the life of my dreams.
Here are some of the biggest bogeymen that have been in the background challenging my commitment to art/writing/gardening (insert your dream day-to-day activities here):
All or nothing thinking
This is the idea that I have to all of it or none of it at all. So many of us (on this newsletter list) are drawn to a huge variety of hobbies and pursuits so it can be tempting to think we need to do all of them each and every day. I know I do that whenever someone tells me to plan out my ideal day. it's like six to eight hours of different kinds of creative activities lol. But that's super overwhelming when you have a real life and work and family/friends/fur babies to take care of.
Recently I've given myself shorter chunks to focus on just a few of my pursuits. I started with three month chunks but that felt too big so now I'm down to one month chunks. For this month I'm focused on getting to the gym, writing, painting and getting on my skateboard. That's it! I don't have to think about anything else. And that's a relief. Also I get to change my focus next month if I want to.
Misperception of cost (time or money)
One of the cool things about the Joy|Money Matrix™ is that it shows us exactly what makes us jump for joy and how much it costs. I find that many of the most joy-giving activities in life are also cheap to free and may only cost time after an initial investment. I often tell myself I don't have time to do something I love because there are a lot of other tasks that need my attention. This year I've been a bit better about opening my art journal (which has actually morphed into a poetry journal) very regularly and doing more meditation and prayer because I gave myself permission to do them for shorter periods of time (see all or nothing above ha). Old me was like I must paint for hoursssssss. Newer me is like, cool 10 minutes.
As for the actual costs well yes I like a really good paintbrush not gonna lie it makes a huge difference when painting but most other art supplies don't have to be expensive. Have you seen all the people on tt and insta showing you how to make paint with natural pigments??? and I could also be making paper with all the stuff I recycle so... all that to say, we can find resourceful ways around our cost challenges. In this country the cost of a super basic like 120$ sewing machine is inching up towards $700 in pesos. I literally can't bring myself to pay that for such a low function machine. Fb marketplace, however, has some great options and when I get to my sewing focus later this summer, that's where I'll be picking up a machine.
The point is, don't let your thinking brain tell you that the barrier is time or money. It's almost never the real reason we don't do what we say we want to do.
The rest of my list looks like this:
- Fatigue and burnout
- It's not for me (worthiness)
- Mess/space constraints
- Outcome oriented
- Perceived payoff doesn't outweigh the perceived effort to begin
- Delayed until...
- Other people's dreams
- Woundings/trauma
But this email would be super long if I dove into all of these so I'm going to space them out over a few days in the coming week.
In any case, tell me tell me: what is your day-to-day dream life? Are you living it? If so how goes it!? If not, why not?
with love,
Lauren
*hat tip to the hubs for that reframe
some notes:
1. I'm alive! we've had a rough time with health concerns and it hits me hard when our little is struggling but she's in many ways getting better. On another note: mold toxicity is evil.
2. we have lived in Buenos Aires since December 2022. no I have not posted even one identifiable BA pic anywhere on social. it's been a tough transition for me but we are pursuing residency here as my daughter does medical treatment for PANDAS. if you or someone you love has a kid who is suddenly super OCD, raging fits over seemingly nothing, pee accidents, not eating please tell them to contact me. rapid treatment can prevent chronic symptoms and I am happy to chat to them.
3. You can rent or buy our villa in Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic. it's spectacular. We will be building more eco luxe villas and townhomes in a relaxed beachy food forest community over the coming years.
4. This world is both crazy heartbreaking and beautifully regenerative. It's never the end of the story.