Thighs, Sugar and other Saboteurs of Enoughness
N.B. This is an excerpt from my upcoming program More Than Enough Volume 1: You are, therefore you rock. So it's a tad in medias res.
By now you are equipped with some serious tools to enter into your daily round with more confidence, a greater sense of your own infinite worth and connectedness, and the practice of challenging what isn't true.
But you may find yourself in a rut of gripping anxiety when you open your eyes in the morning and are still scared that you're somehow doing it wrong, are gonna screw up, or otherwise Not Be Good Enough today.
What's a sane, healthy person to do when experiencing such gripping anxiety?
I have been anxious since well before my 5th birthday, so I feel like I'm an expert. I used to be anxious all the time. Now it's more like a few moments each day. (Thank God.)
But back in my five year old body, I cared about how I thin I was and how my dolls looked at church. No repeating outfits allowed ever. Not even for my bunny rabbit doll. I typically sewed a new outfit for them every Sunday morning because I cared what people thought of us.
I cared about how much money I'd have when I was 30 years old. No joke. I recently found the budget my 8 year old self constructed for my 30 year old self. I would be making $32,000 and be saving for retirement and spending inordinate amounts on clothing. (You guess which one I'm better at.)
I would wake up in a cold sweat on swim meet days for years, sometimes with a "stomach ache." I experienced sheer terror at the thought of gun starts and being up on a block in a swimsuit for years. Never mind that I would eventually compete at the State level and be an ACC champion athlete.
In fifth grade the anxiety over my spreading thighs on the hot vinyl bus seat after school probably contributed at least in part to years of bingeing, purging and body dysmorphia.
Most of my childhood anxieties were unfounded- based on fear of the unknown rather than Truth. But my child self didn't know that.
And so those concerns from childhood morphed into supposedly bigger ones as an adult: will I be able to pay my rent? What if this skin thing is cancer? Have I gained weight? I'm doing life all wrong!?! Why am I not There yet?
And still, most of my anxieties were unfounded- clearly not based on facts but on my monkey mind's worst case scenario expectation of reality.
It wasn't pleasant. Fortunately, I also had the tape of my mom playing in my head. (thanks Mom!)
"80% of what we worry about never happens."
I'm sure there must be statistics on that, but let's just assume it's true for now.
Why do we spend such a huge amount of time worrying over our own Not Enough? What a waste of freaking time!
You know, people ask me how I'm so damn productive. How do I get so much done in each day? The answer is simple, really. Though you should see people's faces when I answer them honestly. It goes like this:
Well-intentioned questioner: Wow, you have so many projects going at any one time. How do you manage it all?
Me: Well, I used to spend so much time counting calories, exercising, bingeing and purging that when I stopped all that nonsense, I realized that I had tons of time on my hands and was an excellent project manager! Not to mention that I typically know the best public restroom nearby.
W-I Q: (Clearly shocked, embarrassed and uncomfortable) Oh my, well, that's, uh, interesting.
At this point during the exchange I am typically laughing or totally deadpan.
Anyway, my point is while our unfounded anxieties can be useful tools for learning other skills, they still keep us in a cycle of Less Than.
And it's only when we allow ourselves, as my coach Jennifer encourages, to turn towards Truth and remind ourselves cognitively and viscerally that we are More Than Enough, that we short circuit the anxiety that is so debilitating and are able to start creating a new feedback loop.
The Enoughness practice goes like this:
Anxious, sugar-addled Me: Oh gawwwwwd, what if this new business venture SUCKS and I SUCK and my life SUCKS and then I die?????
Whole and Complete Me: Oh right, there's Not Enough again. Hey God, could you please remind me that I'm Enough, whole and complete? Yeah, thanks.
[Deep breath]
Slightly less anxious, still sugar-addled Me: So I'm putting the people and systems in place to achieve my goals. Phew. Ok I'm FREE for the next five minutes from neurotic thoughts. Yessssss!
It's a constant turning towards what IS instead of what might be.
On a not unrelated note: I have found that exercise, meditation and less sugar are inversely proportional to feelings of Not Enough.
So, I hope you will join me today in turning towards the Truth of what is. I hope you will join me in asking the divine to fill you with the understanding that you are More Than Enough.
And, because we've been talking about thighs and sugar and such, please join me on Monday at 12 pm noon on ustream for a special live broadcast.
I'll be interviewing my dear friend and Olympic medalist Catherine Garceau about how her relationship with her body has impacted her business and her life. We'll also talk about Cat's new program EAT360 and how Emotional Awareness Training can end your up/down cycles with food and weight.
Here's what you need to watch:
On Monday June 17, 12 pm EDT tune in to my ustream channel on your computer!